Previously posted on blog and written by B. Demeter
Lets take a little trip to the absolute bottom of the barrel. Lets go where no movie reviewer should ever go. Lets see what happens when we dive into the Netflix horror category, sort by rating, and scroll to the bottom of the page. What do we find?
1313: Cougar Cult (2012).
I immediately regret looking this up. Hey, look! Scream queen Linnea Quigley is in this movie. She was fucking awesome in “Return of the Living Dead” and “Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama”. That ought to make this worthwhile. Right? Right?! God help me.
Ugh. Despite my better judgment, I’m going to watch this movie.
HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!
So, it’s a homoerotic horror film. That’s fine. But my god, it’s awful! What the fuck is going on here?
Three older ladies live together in a mansion. They’re witches, or cougars, or something. I don’t know. They gain eternal life by draining it out of young men. They decide that instead of killing random men, they’re going to settle down and find mates. They lure three men from the local college to work for them over the summer. That is as far as the story goes. This movie is an hour and thirteen minutes long and easily 90% of it is glamour shots of young attractive men taking extended showers and rubbing their abs. The same scenes are shown over and over again for the sole purpose of extending the movie’s run time.
It’s not even that sexy. Not being a gay man myself, I’m definitely not this movie’s target audience. But I am a pretty open and accepting heterosexual man. The guys are good looking- but that can’t be enough to make anyone watch this. Cute men touching their chests, inter-cut with the same repeated scene of Linnea Quigley and the two other witches walking around and posing for the camera does not a movie make.
Strange as it might be to believe, I don’t watch a lot of gay horror movies. So forgive me if this is a stupid question, but is it a thing for the guys to not be gay? Despite all the bare chests and rubbing, the men in this movie are all depicted as hetero. It is poor taste to say, “my gaydar was going off”, but I can spot a twink when I see one- and every guy in this movie is a twink. I was confused when they initially show up and are confronted by the three witches. The witches let them know if fairly uncertain terms that they will have sex at some point- and the guys seem to be into it. And I’m thinking to myself, “But why? They’re gay, aren’t they?”
There is only one reason to watch this movie and that is to see the single worst special effect ever in a film. It could possible be the least ‘special’ special effect in recorded history. The ladies changing into cougars is something that really needs to be seen to be believed- and I’ve saved you the trouble by listing the instances of this happening in the film:
10 minutes, 11 seconds
40 minutes, 40 seconds
58 minutes, 20 seconds
66 minutes, 47 seconds
67 minutes, 5 seconds
I know it’s 2013, and I could have easily taken screen shots of this event and posted them with this review but screw that mess. Half the thrill of experiencing this nonsense is seeking it out and finding it for yourself. I’ve given you the map, now it is up to you to take the journey.
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