Bikini Girls On Ice is nothing if not truthful to it’s name. Sadly, this may be the only thing that this movie has going for it.
Bikini Girls On Ice starts off well enough, with a random murder of a girl. She too is in a bikini, however it is not explained why she is, unless of course, you are just going by the title of the movie alone. The real plot behind the movie is revealed shortly there after as a bikini car wash, involving, you guessed it, Girls in Bikinis. These girls are loaded on a bus and headed to do their civic duty of hanging their boobs out there for all the sex-starved men of the world to oogle at while they wash their car. The bus they are riding in breaks down, naturally, in the middle of nowhere. It apparently will take several hours to fix. Why not have the car wash here, in hick-ville USA? So that is just what they do.
Not surprising to anyone, (even the characters themselves) as they start the car wash, girls start to disappear. An old man resembling “Uncle Jesse” shows up and tells the girls that they need to “stay out of the gas station”. No one is alarmed by this as they carry on doing what college girls apparently do, have sex with random dudes, and each other. As the film drags on we see pretty much the entirety of the cast get killed and… wait for it… put on ice. The movie ends, and we are all left wondering how they came up with such a creative title.
This movie really tests the limits of “willful suspension of disbelief” to the max. I am all for crazed murderers killing college girls as they themselves seem invincible. That isn’t even the issue with the movie. My issue with this movie comes in many forms. First of all, if this gas station is supposed to be “abandoned” why does A: the lights still work, and 2: they still have working gas pumps WITH gas? Getting past that, if you are in a group of, say ten people, and each time one goes into a gas station they don’t come out, wouldn’t you get a little scared or the slightest bit suspicious.
The killer in this movie is named “Moe” apparently, so let that sink in a bit. He has absolutely NO BACK STORY. The only reason he would be called Moe is that’s the name on the jump suit he is wearing. We, the viewer, are given no reasoning for WHY the girls are being put on ice, what so ever. He literally kills all these girls and you never know his motivation. Sure, most killers don’t need one, but if I am meant to care at all about this movie, you need to give me something. The brutality in which he kills some of these girls is pretty bad. Having said that, about 99% of the kills are done off screen and the brutality is only implied. Though I would like to know where the guy gets his ice, because it seems to NEVER melt. Seriously. Hours pass in the film and the same patch of ice remains. Also apparently you can lay in a bathtub full of ice until you are completely numb and never get your clothes wet.
This entire movie is just an excuse to get girls to run back and forth in bikinis. I know that doesn’t sound like it’s a big deal, but it is. It’s like that time a friend and I watched a “Girls Gone Wild” video. After the first 15mins of watching the same drunk, morally devoid girls flash their boobs and get groped by every similarly drunk and morally depraved douche bag, it’s just boring. I applaud the creative team behind this movie for the title. Bikini Girls On Ice is EXACTLY what the title implies, and almost nothing else. Bikini Girls On Ice is just not a good movie. If you have a chance to catch Bikini Car Wash on late night Cinemax or something, that is better than this movie by leaps and bounds.
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