Review “Creature” (1985)

Creature (1985)

Previously posted on blog and written by B. Demeter

There are reasons to watch this movie none of which are story or acting but we’ll get to those later.

Creature (1985) is an Alien rip-off. Directed by William Malone who’s only other movie worth mentioning is the 1999 remake House on Haunted Hill; which should serve as a benchmark for the level of mediocrity we are dealing with here. The sets and acting are both made of cardboard and there is just enough techno-babble to fill the writer’s union quota for a sci-fi horror film.

The Wikipedia entry for this movie includes the line, “This film is one of the more famous 1980s science fiction films that is heavily derived from Ridley Scott’s and 20th Century Fox’s film Alien.” Something tells me that Will Malone owes his mother a thank you phone call.

Released six years after Aliens, and one year before Aliens, there are elements of both movies evident in Creature. If you watched Alien, then got drunk while someone read you the Aliens’ script, the next day while you were hung-over you would write Creature.

In the future, humanity is reduced to two warring corporations- one American, the other West German. Not Germany, West Germany. In choosing an opponent to match the strength and endurance of the USA, Malone chose a country that 4 short years after this movie was released no longer existed. Cracker Jack assumption, Malone!

At the start of the film, the W. German company is on Saturn’s moon Titan. Two idiots release a… wait for it- creature; which promptly murder kills the rest of the team (save for one crazy old German who will pop-up later). An American team shows up to salvage what they can from the competing operation only to find themselves fighting to survive against the… for Christ sake- creature. Fuck this movie for making me describe the titular character in such generic terms. The far superior Alien at least provided the term xenomorph. Was there not enough coke going around Hollywood in the 80s that the writers couldn’t have come up with something?

There is an actual creature, but after it kills it can use the body of the victim to lure out the next lamb for slaughter. The creature achieves this by way of topical parasite. Why? Who the fuck cares? The inevitable reveal of the creature about 75 minutes in is as big of a let down as could be expected. It looks strikingly similar to Alien’s xenomorph but with a more flaccid penis looking head. Let that sink in- more of a penis head than the xenomorph. If I was financing this movie, and the effects wizard carted that thing out on set I’d immediately call the bank and put a hold on their check and tell them to quit fucking around and make me a real alien.

Since this is essentially a clone of Alien, it is unfortunate that Creature devolves at the end to a damsel in distress trope. Two scenes, within minutes of each other, involve the remaining female character running for her life towards the arms of the male characters.

The reasons to watch this movie are boobs at 44 minutes in and a guy’s head getting blown-up at 57 minutes. But, to be honest, I’ve seen better boobs and I’ve seen better exploding heads. The better reasons to watch this movie are to see Ferris Bueller’s dad, Lyman Ward, and Wendy Schaal from the often-overlooked comedy-horror classic ‘The Burbs’. It also has the poor man’s Sean Young, Diane Salinger, who you might recognize from Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure.

Parting thoughts on Creature involve the last scene and it is lucky it was the final scene. Diane Salinger’s character takes off for the entire third act and comes back in the final minute to save the day. When questioned as to where she went she says, “I got lost.” Ludicrous levels of lazy writing that could have killed an unaware viewer if the previous 90 minutes of horrible story hadn’t numbed them in preparation.

Bottom line, two-thumbs up!

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