Previously posted on blog and written by B. Demeter
Dark House (2009) is, as the name would lead one to believe, a film about a scary house. It was apparently a part of the Fangoria Frightfest and enjoyed limited theatrical release in New York, Dallas, and San Francisco. Dark House was directed by Darin Scott who’s only other movie of note is a writing credit on Tales from the Hood.
The film’s lead character is Claire, who as a youngster stumbled upon a mass murder at an orphanage called the Darrode House. The queen bitch Mrs. Darrode slaughtered a bunch of orphan kids before killing herself by (not making this up) grinding her hands off a garbage disposal. Guess it was a slow day in the interesting-ways-to-die office. More interesting is that Mrs. Darrode is played by Sean Young understudy, Diane Salinger, of Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure and Creature fame.
Fourteen years later and Claire is still trying to get over the tragedy. Her therapist wants her to go back to the house to find closure but she can’t bring herself to do it. All Claire wants to do is follow her dream of acting because… I don’t know? It moves the plot along. How’s that for an answer? But the line is actually said out loud; “The only thing that I wanna do it act… If I can’t do the only thing that makes me happy, I might as well be dead.” This is 10 minutes into the movie and I already wish I were dead.
Claire is in a community college acting class, which gets the opportunity to work in a haunted house for a world-renowned haunted house creator. The haunted house creator is played by world-renowned horror movie actor Jeffery Combs of Re-Annimator and The Frighteners fame. He has sent up his latest production in- hold on to your seat- the fucking Darrode House. Oh, are you kidding me?! The acting class gladly accepts this opportunity, and despite some facial contortions, Claire seems pretty okay with the assignment.
The house is set up with some sort of high tech hologram projecting computer, which is just the deus ex machina for all the horrific scenes that follow. If you’re wondering why a haunted house with cutting edge computer technology needs to be backed up by low end talent from a community college then WALK AWAY FROM THIS MOVIE. Walk away right now… it is not going to get any less stupid.
The middle part of this film is top shelf predictable. The hologram computer, possessed by the spirit of Mrs. Darrode, begins systematically picking off the character cattle one-by-one. At this point it is impossible to care. Claire is the main character so she’s going to make it. Jeffery Combs is sort of a big deal for horror movies in real life; so it would be safe to assume he is going to make it as well. Everyone else was dead the second the opening credits ended. If you needed a bathroom break or wanted to go off and make a sandwich this would be a good 30 to 40 minute timeframe to do so.
After a while the movie just gives up. The first few hologram murder deaths are decent (not good by any stretch of the imagination, but I’ve seen worse). Acid to the face, demon-witch with crazy fingernails, the token-black guy gets his head smashed by a medieval knight. However, the second act concludes with the final two non-Claire characters getting killed in such uninspired ways it makes you wonder why they were in the movie in the first place- and done so off-screen to boot! And one of those characters is top billed Jeffery Combs!! He is torn apart (again, off-screen) by three pathetic looking zombies. The final non-Claire female is fucking shot by a zombie army-type soldier; her final line being, “War is hell,” spoken in an I’m-accepting-my-fate tone. It is pathetic to watch and makes you feel sorry for the actors.
The third act tries to get cute by adding a twist to the story, but almost immediately changes its mind. Claire is left to confront Mrs. Darrode. It is revealed that Mrs. Darrode was beating the orphan children because she was religion crazy and wanted to beat the demons out of them. One of the children grows a pair and leads the others in burning all the Bibles in the house furnace. This sets Darrode off and she murders everyone… EXCEPT for the little girl who was responsible for the Bible burning uprising. That little girl, the one who got away… is none other than Claire herself! Let me give you a few minutes to de-shit your Pampers.
Turns out the girls from the beginning of the movie who we witnessed discovering the massacre is SOMEONE ELSE. Again, a moment to rectify any unfortunate situations these plot twists and turns may have caused in your downtown area. Cleaning bills can be mailed to Lightning Media Distibution, Hollywood, CA; care of who gives a shit.
Claire stands up to Darrode and rushes her with a knife and the movie fades to black for a moment and everyone watching begs/pleads to a silent god for this to be the merciful end to this cinematic shit-fest. NOPE. We jump back to see Claire, all by herself and catatonic as the police come in to discover everyone else dead. With no other explanation, the police come to the conclusion that the return to the house triggered a murderous rage in Claire and she is responsible for all deaths. Fine, OK, whatever- are we done yet?
NOPE! Fuck. Open on a scene of the exterior of the house with the girl who discovered the first massacre and her boyfriend. Turns out this bitch has been having trouble getting over her experience so her horrible boyfriend decides to help her confront her fear. They enter the house (now the scene of two grisly slaughters) just to look around. All the doors and windows slam shut, there is a mysterious black fog CGI-ing around, the audience is left to assume they are killed by the spirit of Mrs. Darrode; this time without the aid of a superfluous hologram computer.
So there we have it. A stupid set up that leads to a shitty middle that is concluded with a twist ending that is revoked almost as soon as it is presented. I hate this movie. There are no reasons to watch this film. One thumb up.
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