Review: “Hellbound”
- Scott
- Oct 14, 2011
- 3 min read
Leave it to Chuck Norris to literally kick Satan’s ass. This has to be where all those Chuck Norris legends started from. All I was looking for going into this movie was a good roundhouse to the face and maybe some good one liners. I got so much more.
Sgt. Shatter (Chuck Norris) is a cop from Chicago. A cop that is out to clean up the streets of all the crime and drugs, and bad things in general. Just when he and his partner, Jackson, are about to go off duty, someone decides to throw a hooker out a window. Said hooker then lands right on top of a Camero. Who’s camero? Chuck Norris’. As they investigate why someone would throw a woman out of a window they stumble into a case that is much bigger than just a simple “Pimps and Hoes” dispute.
Someone, or something, has been going around killing holy men, but not just killing them, ripping their hearts out. As Shatter and Jackson soon find out, something evil is going on. Apparently Satan has a helper on Earth, named “Prosantanos” that is trying to bring his master back. He was locked away centuries ago after being killed by King Richard. After he killed Prosatanos, he broke his staff (or whatever) into nine pieces. Now Prosatanos has risen and is collecting the pieces to open the door for Satan to take over. Naturally it is up to Shatter, Jackson and a female anthropologist named Leslie to stop him from achieving his goal. After they defeat Prosatanos, Shatter and his bunch of friends are headed back to Chicago, but not with out a freeze-frame ending.
It took me about twenty minutes into this movie, to realize this was a supernatural episode of “Walker: Texas Ranger”. Laugh all you want, but it stars Chuck Norris, his black partner, and a woman… the SAME woman from Walker. Chuck cracks as many jokes with his partner as he does the necks of his opponents. Norris even manages to teach a moral in the middle of the movie, outside of the actual plot. The real plot of the movie is mildly different from other “Satan wants to rule the world” movies, but not by much.
While this movie didn’t have much in the way of special effects but they weren’t really needed. The only special effects that you can put in this movie are Chuck and Norris. Though the simple addition of the really weird looking contacts for the Prosantanos guy were enough to be pretty creepy. Most of the movie is just Shatter and Jackson looking for clues while arguing over when they should eat. The final confrontation is really the only big fight scene. In this fight scene Chuck does in fact roundhouse a demon in the face.
I can’t say that I would watch the movie again, but I am also not really upset that I saw it in the first place. The freeze-frame end credits coupled with the fact apparently Jesus is in this movie (not talking about Chuck Norris, though I can see how you would confuse the two) was enough of a pay-off. I also love the fact that apparently Chuck Norris has to be in front of some sort of explosion on his posters. The huge fireball you see behind him never actually occurred in the movie. Though had it, I am sure Chuck would have walked away from it calmly, while slowly putting on his sun glasses.
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