Previously posted on blog and written by B. Demeter
Hold Your Breath (2012) is a horrible movie. There is no reason to watch it, no redeeming qualities, and no reason for it’s continued existence on this earth. Let the review begin!
Oh boy, back story. German serial killer is put to death for killing serially. The reason he’s German is because the writer was filling in the Mad Libs that is the script of this movie and the blank space before serial killer needed an adjective. Before he goes, the killer stabs the warden in the neck with the sharpest coke nail I’ve ever seen in a film. It is an absurd scene but for what it’s worth we’ve established the movie’s villain.
Jump forward a few decades and we meet the movie’s main cast; four guys, two girls, and Katrina Bowden. Bowden is the star of Tucker & Dale vs. Evil, a far superior horror-comedy, which gave her enough credibility for me to even consider watching Hold Your Breath. That credibility is gone. The rest of the group’s character names aren’t worth noting so I’m just going to call them main guy, stoner guy, handsome guy, smart guy, Not-Katrina-Bowden girl 1 & 2. With the exception of Bowden, I’m expecting a 100% mortality rate.
While on their way to a camp site, they pass by a cemetery where Bowden name-drops the title of the film and tells everyone to hold their breath lest an evil spirit tries to sneak in and take over their soul. Stoner guy doesn’t heed the warning and instead takes a rip off his marijuana pipe and the German serial killer slips in. We know this because his eye’s flash red for a second.
After this a lot of shit happens that does nothing to the movie except extend the run time. They find the abandoned prison where the serial killer was executed, one pair of characters goes off and has the obligatory sex scene (w/ boobies), the possessed stoner guy kills a police officer who just happens to drive by. It’s pointless! After a good chunk of scenes, we are back in the car and resuming the trip to the campsite like nothing happened- and nothing did happen! It could have just faded to black, played the “Let’s all go to the lobby” song, and then started back up after 20 minutes.
So despite the viewer’s wishes, the movie goes on. They make it to the campsite where the handsome guy character slaps the possessed stoner guy on the back and the spirit jumps into the handsome guy character. Again, we know this because his eyes flash red. Christ, this is so fucking stupid. Why was the stoner character possessed then? It didn’t add anything to the story. Him murdering the cop doesn’t come back as a significant plot point. The spirit could have possessed handsome guy from the get go and it wouldn’t have make a lick of difference.
Shit gets real and possessed handsome guy kills one of the Not-Katrina-Bowden females. The rest of the gang finds the body and finally realize that something is not quite right with handsome guy. Then out of nowhere comes crazy old guy with a shotgun and he takes out handsome guy and I briefly have a moment where I imagine he just shoots the rest of them and mercifully ends the movie. No such luck…
Turns out, crazy old guy is a retired guard from the prison- fantastic. And he knows what’s going on- super-duper! He informs us that it is the anniversary of the night German serial killer was put to death and he has unit midnight to exact revenge.
Then, in the immortal words of Kirk Lazarus, the movie goes full retard.
Katrina Bowden’s eyes flash red.
German serial killer is in Katrina Bowden and I begin to doubt the existence of good in the world. She runs off only to be pursued by crazy old guy and main guy character. Stoner guy, smart guy, and remaining Not-Katrina-Bowden girl are left behind to defend themselves/die comically.
Let it be known that until now the possessed character has shown no enhanced ability save for the increased desire to inflict harm unto others. So 90 lb. Katrina Bowden, with no expectation of super-human strength or psychic ability is about as threatening as a British gangster rapper. Then the following happens…
Smart guy is pushed to the ground and possessed Bowden kills him with a hand-mixer to the eye while the other two look on screaming and helpless. Helpless against Katrina Bowden with a hand-mixer is a fucking ludicrous statement that should never have been written by anyone let alone acted out in front of a movie camera, edited, distributed, and made available for people to watch.
The movie has been downhill since the opening credits but now it’s just a straight drop. Crazy old guy with shotgun takes main guy out to the cemetery where the warden pops out and possesses main guy; and we know this because his eyes flash blue. Then they just wait around for possessed Katrina Bowden to come along. She does. They fight. Stoner guy gets killed with a twig through the eye by possessed Bowden… I just want this to be over already!
The spirits leave Bowden and main guy and start fighting in their spectral forms. And to give credit where credit is due the CGI effects in this scene aren’t the worst I’ve ever seen.
While the ghost fight is going on, crazy old guy tells main guy, NKB girl, and Bowden to take his truck and get out of there. They do and the ghost, for some reason, totally explode.
That should be it, but to really nail home the point that there is no God, the movie continues. The three survivors drive off into the morning light. They eventually stop by the side of the road and in a twist no one cares about the main guy kills NKB girl; SURPRISE! The evil spirit of the German serial killer escaped! How? Fuck you, that’s how. But in the end it is the scariest thing about this movie- some psychopath might decide to do a sequel.
Like I said, there is no reason to watch this movie. Katrina Bowden is easy on the eyes and great in Tucker & Dale vs Evil and Piranha 3DD- two movies I can’t recommend highly enough, so just go watch them instead. The only redeeming thing I can say about this movie is that the actors and crew got paid, probably had some good craft services on set, maybe got to hang out in between scenes and talk/make friends. Other than that, this movie is completely unredeemable.
That being said, I’d watch this movie again… one and a half thumbs up.
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