I couldn’t have a horror movie marathon without a “Massacre” movie in it. At least this one is bad and knows that it’s nothing more than a lame excuse for boobs and really REALLY bad special effects.
Donald is a lowly construction worker. He and his co-worker friends work hard all day and all Donald wants when he gets home is a nice meal and to relax. Sadly that is not at all when he gets home to find that his wife May has made yet another terrible meal in her beloved microwave. Donald tries to enjoy his meals at home and packs himself dogfood sandwiches for lunch, but after drinking his sorrows away at the bar and one final terrible meal he loses his cool and has finally had enough. Donald drunkenly kills may and then shoves her into the (comically large) microwave.
The next day Donald is aghast to find out what he had done the night prior. Not willing to let it ruin his day, Donald takes care to dissect his wife and store her in the freezer in the garage. He goes to work and life continues on as usual for him, except now he doesn’t have to worry about his wife telling him what he can and can’t do or eat. After being awoken in the middle of the night Donald stumbles into the garage to find something to eat. He unknowingly grabs one of his wife’s dismembered hands and begins to chow down. He loves the taste and then he discovers what exactly he was eating. Unswayed, Donald realizes that his wife might have been useful after all.
This is a movie that made me really question how movies are ever made in the first place. Starting with the movie as a whole; it’s something that feels like it was written and directed by Len Cella in the 80s. For those that don’t know, Len Cella created a couple VHS tapes back then called “Moron Movies” and “More Moron Movies”. They were very short skits that were completely dumb jokes or puns, or plays on words that he would act out. Think of them as Vine videos before the internet had really taken off. Microwave Massacre has a LOT of dumb jokes, puns, and more than a few looks directly at the camera. It’s bad. Like… really bad on all levels. The lowest of low hanging horror/comedy fruit.
Microwave Massacre has easily some of the strangest throwaway scenes I have ever seen in a movie. There are times when it was completely sunny out and there will be a clap of thunder and what would normally signify a big storm, only to be ditched immediately. Insert shots of daytime when it was just midday, and then back again. The opening shot is a woman watching the construction site and then randomly her boobs are sticking through the fence and shes shaking them around making noises like she is having sex only to disappear immediately with no comedic payoff. I was shaking my head at the level of nonsense through the entire film. Though I guess the movie does have a moral to learn a the end. If you have a pacemaker, stay away from microwaves the size of a refrigerator.
The strangest, and maybe the saddest bit of this movie is the main actor. It took me a little while to place why he sounded so familiar. I literally had to close my eyes and let my imagination/memory fill in the gaps, and that’s when it came to me. The main character is portrayed by the guy that voiced Frosty The Snowman in the cartoon. Yes… THAT Frosty. Once I realized that this movie took on an entirely new and strangely dirty feel. He had so much sex, groped so many bare breasts and killed so many women in this film. Maybe the saddest, however, is that this was his final onscreen appearance. Microwave Massacre killed Frosty. What a way to have your career end. If you want to watch a 90min joke about cannibalism and boobs, this is the movie for you. If you want to watch it though… you won’t have to pay for it, the YouTube link below is the movie in its entirety.
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