My question is what will the filmmakers do as penance for this movie?
Let’s get this out of the way right at the top – this is without a doubt the worst acted movie I have watched this year. Recall, as well, that I haven’t exactly been loading up on prestige cinema or staying away from the sillier side of horror during the season. The actor playing the movie’s main villain (I won’t say his name because technically its a spoiler) turns in the film’s best performance, chewing the scenery with aplomb. Apart from him, the best acting comes from Booker T and Diamond Dallas Page, two former wrestlers who are a long way from the marquee name value or magnetic screen presence of Duane Johnson or John Cena. They are asked to do very little, but they are just fine given the fact that they aren’t actually actors. No one else has an excuse, and that extends to the main protagonist and the damsel in distress that he encounters and tries to save. These are wooden, sub-soap opera performances, so depending on your aversion to, or possibly affection for, that type of thing, you should be armed with that information before you give this a shot.
The plot is also a bit of a mess, and there isn’t even a Wikipedia article to help me with the finer points that I might have missed. I will give credit for the story being interesting, at least, and unpredictable. I pretty much expected some standard haunted house fare going into this one, but the truth is more along the lines of a weird grab back of exploitation tropes. There’s some mad scientist elements, human trafficking, town-wide conspiracies and even an underground CHUD factory. Its a lot, but its never boring. Now, in terms of landing these concepts coherently, and more importantly, generating scares from them, director Peter Engert is pretty clearly outmatched by the material. There are action sequences where it is impossible to tell what is going on, including one where the lights keep going on and off for no discernable reason. The main character is a stereotype devoid of nuance, a stoic badass with a checkered past but a heart of gold. Will he take the opportunity to escape the clutches of the town’s evil forces, or double back to save the friendly local girl from the clutches of the evil murder cabal? The answer won’t surprise you.
I can’t in good conscience recommend Penance Lane. I feel like I’ve been transparent in my review, this is not a good movie by any criteria. But you know what? I enjoyed watching it. It helps, I’m sure, that I have an affection for ex-pro wrestlers from the 90’s, and I like Booker and DDP in particular. Mostly though, there is just something magical about settling down for a horror movie on an October evening. I’m 90% in the bag by the time the production logo comes on the screen, and the movie only has to do the bare minimum to make me happy from that point. Whether you watch this particular movie or not (and again, you probably shouldn’t), don’t waste the precious few nights we have left in this Halloween season – cue up a movie of your choosing, turn off the lights, and bask in the warm, jack-o-lantern glow.
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