Previously posted on blog and written by B. Demeter
Did anyone ask for Leatherface to be turned into a sympathetic character? Didn’t fucking think so.
“Texas Chainsaw 3D” is the seventh film in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre series. I guess since Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3 was made in 1990, the studio had to drop the massacre from the title. The whole series is like the Lindsay Lohan of story lines; TCM ‘74 is classic horror, TCM2 is a bizarre horror black-comedy, TCM3 is a reboot (maybe), TCM Next Generation is a reboot (definitely), TCM ’03 is a reboot, and TCM The Beginning is a prequel. I truly only consider TCM ’74 and TCM2 to be cannon as those were the only two directed by horror movie god Tobe Hooper; and if you share that assessment you’re not going to love TC3D.
The series was not on a down swing. Actually, they were getting better. The low point was TCM Next Generation with Renee Zellweger and Matt McConaughey- now that was a shitty movie! Since TMC ’03, the films were maintaining a level adequacy. Then this movie comes along with the COMBO BREAKER and royally fucks things up.
The film starts off directly at the end of TCM ’74. The Sawyer clan, which includes Leatherface, is hold up in a house. The sheriff is there to arrest Mr. Leather but before he can do so a posse of local shitheads drive up, burn the house down, and shoot everyone. During the post-fire wrap-up, one of the shitheads finds an infant and decides he’s going to just take it and raise it as his own. The opening credits have barely stopped rolling and I already hate this movie.
Fast-forward to present day, and baby girl is all grown up and named Heather. She works in the meat department of a local grocery store, has a black boyfriend, and hates her parents. One day she receives a notice that she has inherited a house in Texas from a recently deceased grandmother. Since she is unaware of any extended family in Texas she goes and asks her parents about it. The “adoptive” parents are horrible people and pretty much tell her she’s “adopted” in the worst possible way. The parents are so bad it makes you wonder why they even bothered to steal her as a baby in the first place. Heather checks her watch and see that is it fuck-this-shit o’clock, tells her “adoptive” parents to piss off, and heads off the Texas. Along for the ride is her black boyfriend, her BFF, her BFF’s BF, and a hitchhiker they find along the way.
And P.S., Leatherface survived the house burning and has been living in the grandmother’s basement for forty years. That’s probably going to hurt the property’s resale value.
That’s the set up. Those are the players. If you’ve seen any of the previous six films (or any horror /slasher movie for that matter) you have a pretty good idea where this is going. And if you can put two and two together, I’m guessing you can also see how this will play out. The not so subtle message of this movie is ‘blood is thicker than water’ and ‘family first’; which I’m pretty sure are lines spoken by almost every on screen character at some point. Oh, family is important, Mr. Face was just protecting his family, blah, blah, blah. As someone who has seen TCM ’74, it is going to take a hell of a lot more than 60 minutes of crap story to sell me on the idea that the entire Sawyer family didn’t deserve to be shot and burned alive. The whole film is bananas so I’m just going to focus on some glaring problems.
First off, the original TCM took place in 1974. TC3D is present day. If Heather were an infant at the end of TCM, she would roughly be around forty years old. The actress, who plays Heather, the lovely Alexandra Daddario, is 27 years old and looks like she is 19 years old. This makes no fucking sense. And Leatherface has to be pushing 60-70 in this film- but he sure as shit doesn’t look it. The context of this movie is all jacked up.
Secondly, Heather buys into the idea of being A) a Sawyer and B) guardian of Leatherface unbelievably quick. As the story goes, she was a young adult, living with her loving boyfriend. She had a job, hobbies, and a seemingly good group of friends. Sure she had a rocky relationship with her parents, but so do a lot of otherwise well adjusted people. Then, within mere hours of finding out the truth, she is all in. It didn’t seem natural to me- the progression of her acceptance. Especially since from her perspective Leatherface killed all of her friends and tried real hard to kill her (before he found out that she was family, and family is everything yada, yada, yada).
Then there is a scene in this movie where Leatherface chases Heather through a county fair with a chainsaw. So this movie wants me to believe a maniac with a chainsaw could run wild in a public, well populated area in Texas and there wasn’t a single well-armed citizen fully prepared to express his/her 2nd Amendment right? Horse shit!
Finally, there is a moment where Heather and Leatherface meet and realize they’re family. At that point, the local shitheads from the beginning of the movie are on the rampage to finish what they started decades ago and kill the remaining Sawyers. The shitheads have Leather chained up. Heather runs in, tosses LF his chainsaw, and says out loud, “Do your thing, cuz!”
“Do your thing, cuz!”
That is a line spoken in this movie.
Fuck it! I’m done.
This movie is no good. It shits on what is widely considered one of the best horror movies of all time. But, I’m nothing if optimistic so there is some silver on the lining. Alexandra Daddario and Tania Raymonde are fun to look at. And the scene where Leatherface sews the new skin directly onto his face is pretty cool. That’s about it. Honestly, if you have a choice, you’d be better off watching the original TCM ’74 and TCM2 and leave this one alone.
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