After having a blast with It last year, my wife and I trekked out to the theater to see if the latest installment of the Conjuring universe could provide us some horrifying fun.
Horror movies can affect you on a mental level or a physiological level. The great ones manage both, but all the good ones at least have some element that makes you think, ideally long after the lights come up. The Nun is not a particularly good horror movie, and it’s certainly not a great one. Don’t get me wrong, it’s well-made: the acting is good, the atmosphere is suitably creepy, the FX looks solid. The story is basic, but that really doesn’t even matter. The problem with The Nun, which is the same problem I had to a lesser extent with The Conjuring 2, is that the scares are of the laziest, most derivative variety.
Imagine you have a friend whose big idea of a laugh is to hide behind the door and jump out at you whenever you enter the room. You flinch every time, even though you know it’s coming, because you are hardwired to do so through thousands of years of evolution.* That’s The Nun in a nutshell. I not only guessed the timing of 90% of the scares, but I was able to predict exactly what was going to happen. Nun walks through the cemetary with a rope, and the next shot leaves a big open spot in the frame next to our protaganist – that nun’s body is about to drop into frame. Woman backs into a closed door – some hands are about to smash through the wood and grab her. Camera scans a room with a figure in the middle of it – when it whips back to the middle, the figure will be gone. Every single time, director Corin Hardy went for the most obvious choice. Now, I still flinched every damn time, because I was in a theater with the lights off and the sound booming, and these types of scares are designed to bypass my cerebrum and engage directly with my brainstem. But after the momentary reaction passed, I was left annoyed more than chilled. The film managed the flimsiest of successes, but it didn’t care enough to work for anything more lasting.
I suppose that’s my biggest indictment of this movie. It had a good budget and a well-liked franchise behind it, plus an audience that is primed to be frightented. Trust me, I paid my ten bucks and found a babysitter – I’m on your side, movie. I’m more than receptive, just meet me half way. Unfortunately, The Nun is content to be the type of ephemera that its audience can forget about by the time they get home, and its healthy box office suggests that approach is a lucrative one. You might not regret going to see this in the theater, but there are definitely better options to get your frights in this Halloween season.
* Or you were designed that way, if you prefer. I believe in both, so lets not fight about it, ok?
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