Stephenie Meyer said that she is a better author than Shakespeare. She also wrote a book that was originally a dream she had about meeting and sleeping with a vampire that sparkles and looks like a guy with a perpetual upset stomach. So I guess she must be right.
Twilight follows the story of Bella Swan. A recent transplant from Arizona, Bella moves to Forks, Washington. Bella moves in with her father after her mother’s recent marriage to a minor league baseball player (why this is even made apparent is beyond me). As Bella attempts to fit in at her new school and surroundings, she meets the Cullen family and Edward. They immediately fall into one of those love/hate relationships and cannot be separated.
Bella soon begins to suspect that something is strange with Edward and the entire Cullen clan. Her suspicions are proven correct after she Googles a LOT of things on the internet and reads one book. Finding out the truth she confronts Edward and the Cullens and is immediately welcomed into their homes and lives. A rouge group of vampires threatens to kill Bella and the Cullens threaten (many times) to “tear them apart and burn the pieces”. There’s a fight and a hell of a lot of pauses and unfinished sentences. … … … The End.
Full disclosure; I had to watch this movie with Riff Trax going. It was the only way I could sanely get through it, and even then, it was a struggle. Twilight is the female equivalent of the more male focused Commando or Rambo. Where those movies are full of over the top action and machismo, Twilight absolutely bubbles over with ridiculous amounts of sappy, dopey, almost grotesque “romance”. The writing in Twilight is definitely deserved of the criticism that it garners from critics. I have more than my fair share of plot holes that will probably never see filled in, but that’s ok, I don’t care enough to want them explained.
Twilight has made mega stars out of people that looked like they were half asleep during filming. Edward played by Robert Pattinson looks like he constantly has either a bad taste in his mouth or IBS. Either way, he obviously can’t be bothered to comb his hair correctly in his four hundred years on the planet. Bella, played by Kristen Stewart has basically one expression as well and that is total apathy. She blinks about two hundred times a second, and pauses more times in a sentence than a person giving a lecture with only one working lung. The rest of the crew (with the exception of Taylor “SharkBoy” Lautner) out shine these two no question, and that really isn’t saying much. It’s my understanding from people that have watched further into the series that they get better, but that really isn’t hard to do.
“Vegetarians that only eat animals.” is pretty much the dumbest thing I have ever heard. That comes after I saw a vampire step into the sunlight and begin to “sparkle”. I completely understand why tween girls would enjoy this book and movie series. The part that gets me is the 40+year old women that swarm the theaters in droves to see this bull shit. I know (most) every girl “wants the fairy tale” but this is a bit ridiculous. A four hundred year old man falls in love with a teenager and no one finds that odd. I’m not saying he has to wait for a four hundred year old girl, but you’re settling after all this time on Suzy-stop-and-think over here. Sheesh. Several different people have told me that it gets better after the first movie. I guess I will have to suffer through another one to find out. However, if you have not gotten yourself involved in the books or the movies, there is absolutely no way that I, in good conscience, can tell anyone to start now.
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