Since today is an actual “New Moon” I figured what better time to dive back in the extremely shallow waters of Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight Saga. Oh boy.
When we last left our heroes, they were… wait, wrong movie. So New Moon picks up pretty much just after the events of Twilight. Bella was rescued from the evil vampires and she and Edward were safe and sound back at home. It’s Bella’s 18th birthday and everything is a big party, no, that’s not true at all. However, Edward and the Cullen clan decide to throw her a big party. When she attempts to open a present from Edwards sister Alice, Bella cuts her finger and Jasper, Edwards brother, flies into a frenzy. Edward saves her but realizes that she will always be at risk around them. Edward then tells Bella that he doesn’t want to be around her, and that he has to get as far away from her as possible.
After Edwards departure, Bella falls into a deep depression. She begins having night terrors over the loss of Edward and sits virtually lifeless in her room for months. One night as she attempts to get out of the funk she is in, she goes out with a friend. When she is approached by a bunch of random dudes, she sees a ghostly vision of Edward warning her to stay away. Bella deduces that the only time she sees Edward now is when she is in danger. So naturally, she becomes a thrill seeker. She begins hanging out (and just straight up using) her friend Jacob. He fixes some motorcycles and she gets some thrills from that. But oh no… Jacob can’t hang out with her anymore because he’s a werewolf. Bella attempts to (finally) kill herself and is saved by Jacob. Edward catches wind of her suicide and thinks that she pulled it off, and wants to end his own life. It is then that Edward finally sees that the only true way to protect Bella is to make her a vampire.
As soon as the movie starts there were plot holes and that isn’t the worst part of the movie. I did get quite a big laugh out of Edward “saving” Bella by throwing her violently into a mirror across the room. All of this before the first werwolf even shows up on the scene. I loved that NO ONE questioned why dude was in the woods with no shirt on and just happened upon Bella. Just the fact that this movie is about a girl caught in a love triangle between a vampire and a werewolf should be enough to prove its crap.
The writing and the script for all of these movies are bad, but this one is almost disgusting. Lines like “You give me everything, just by breathing.” and “The pain is my only reminder that he was real.” make me want to puke. Also, I love that Stephenie Meyer said she is a better writer than Shakespeare yet she has references to Romeo and Juliet in there. Again, I understand tweens being all about this movie but people that actually know what real life is like should be appalled by this. The thing that gets me the most is Edward’s ghost warnings. He could come back and warn her not to do dumb things, yet he couldn’t come visit her and say, “Hey, don’t jump off a cliff and kill yourself.” Then Dakota Fanning showed up, and I totally lost it.
Wow, this movie is really bad. It’s not the worst thing I have ever seen, but it damn sure isn’t anywhere close to being “good” either. New Moon is way worse than Twilight was. I fear for my sanity having to watch at least two more of these. Humans that turn into werewolves twice their size, vampires that sparkle, and easily the most sappy writing I have ever heard. Obviously this stuff isn’t aimed at me, but I just can’t see how anyone over the age of 14 can walk out of the theater thinking anything other than “I want my money back.” I commend Stephenie Meyer for writing a book, and then having it turned into a movie. Like it or not she has left her mark on the world, just don’t expect me to care further than that.
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