I also would have accepted “Boobpocalypse”
Two things are really big right now, Vampires and the Armageddon. So yeah, why not take both and put them together for one special movie. Really… REALLY special.
A group of “goth kids” are obsessed with the occult and trying to become vampires. Just like all other college kids, they steal booze from their parents, slip out into the forest at night, bleed into a cup, and then drink it, hoping to raise the dead. When one of the girls, Melissa, purchases a book from some random yard-sale, she discovers the actual incantation to raise an ancient vampire “Giovanni” from the dead. Just like any goth girl, this isn’t exactly what she wants and miraculously along with Giovanni, the spirit of a long dead vampire hunter named (*sigh*) Longshanks, is brought back to fight for good.
As I said repeatedly on twitter while watching Vampegeddon, I can’t stress enough how horrible this movie is. It stars absolutely no one, and feels like it was written for one girl to show that she isn’t ashamed of her body. Good for her, but there are other avenues to take that would be less detrimental to you and the rest of us. Anyway, the absolute worst part about this movie is that 99.9% of the dialog was all done as ADR, that’s Additional Dialog Recording. Meaning that the movie was shot, lines were read, and then later on in a sound dampening booth, ALL the lines were then re-read and laid over the original. If you don’t know what I mean, think about a movie shown on TV and how the swears are all edited out and a completely different word is place in. That awkward change in the volume and sound quality is ADR, and that is the majority of Vampegeddon. It’s funny because the few lines that are used from the original track stand out as the odd-balls here instead of the other way around.
The acting, writing, and just the entire premise of this movie is stupid. The actors are portraying “college kids” (I’m guessing since one is in a poly-sci class) and they are probably old enough to have kids in school themselves. One of the girls “Mona” is played by a woman with GIANT fake boobs and credited as “Sugar Cox”. The acting is actually something that wouldn’t be out of place in a porn, but the payoff of a sex scene at the end, just isn’t there. I am, of course, glossing over the fact that they have two characters named “Giovanni” and “Longshanks” as the lead mythical vampire and vampire hunter, respectively. I realize it’s a reference to Edward I King of England, but still. Still, Molly Ringwald is decent in this movie, I guess. Though she needs to work on her British accent a bit.
Nothing about this movie is worth seeing. The acting is bad, the writing is trite, the soundtrack is garbage. It’s not even worth watching for the humor of its downfall, save one scene. Melissa is walking down an alleyway, as she passes an open garage, a man inside yells at her for passing by and not looking at his crap for sale. She gets pissed then apologizes and walks over to check things out. The first thing she grabs is a veiny dildo. Then she is interested in a book. The guy tells her that she wants it, there is a back and forth and she begrudgingly take the book. As Melissa walks away, the guy is surrounded by previously unseen naked women who then proceed to devour him, much to his pleasure. . . And it is never mentioned again. Dumb.
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