Well the time has come to reflect on what I have done. This was truly a banner year for watching horror movies. There were some gems, and there were most certainly some flops. Great, giant, steaming lumps of trash. I wish I could say that the good out weighed the bad, but sadly, I don’t think that is true. What can be said is that when I found the great, or even decent movies in there, it made them all the sweeter to watch.
So what did I learn from watching thirty one movies in as many days? Well, quite a bit actually. Since I took the path less traveled and actually watched these movies, I have done the hard work and will now pass on the knowledge that I found there in.
Know your history – First and arguably most important when dealing with living inside a horror movie. If you recently moved to a town, or are even just visiting, find out what happened around you. Is there any juicy gossip, maybe a story about someone getting murdered in their bed. Oh hell, I don’t know, maybe ask around if there happened to be a town under the water that was flooded to keep a mad man from unleashing hell on Earth. You know, the basic information. Which brings me to my next point.
Stop The Celebrations – If your town is about to celebrate the anniversary of something, make sure it’s not of when a psycho was killed. Cause, I am willing to lay money down here, he/she will probably show up to said party. This is also not a favorable place to be. Neither is a corn field in the town where four people were just brutally murdered.
Stupid people will get you killed – If some shit goes down and they don’t notice, steer clear. If their world is crumbling around them and they just want to party, don’t party with them. Pay extra attention to the way they talk. If there is a lot of slang in their vocabulary, be careful. The next words they might utter will be garbled and harder to understand due to the amount of blood and knives in their face.
Porn is the devil – I don’t care what you say, if they are making a porno and need to film in a secluded spot in the woods, stay away. Even if the great Ron Jeremy is going to be there. Even if this is your first time. There is no way this is going to go as good as you hope. At best you just get killed by a psycho that thinks porn is evil. At worst you will have a dick burrow its way through your body like a bloated, zombified, possessed snake.
Women are still, if not always, a threat – I think Fresh Prince himself Will Smith said it best, when he said “Listen homeboys don’t mean to bust your bubble, but girls of the world ain’t nothing but trouble.” True. Be they old or young, girls are always out to get you fellas. And don’t think you’re immune ladies. When your grandma gets sick and says that there is a lady that is coming to take her soul away, don’t try to intervene. It won’t turn out well for anyone in the end. This leads me to my next point.
Boobs – Hey, I’ll be the first to admit that they are a wonderful distraction, but at what cost. I know that some guys and girls just wanna hold em, and will do most anything for em. They will get you killed in the end. If there is a Bikini Car Wash in the middle of nowhere, or maybe you’re just a desperate widower looking for some quality time with a pair of dirty pillows. Think twice my friend. Because…
Things are never what they seem – That quiet unassuming present from your nephew, the normally well put together polite guy you work with, or even the occasional lawnmower. All these things are out to get you in one way or another. You may not understand or even see why, but one thing is for sure, everything is out to get you. Everything.
Don’t trust the authority – The Police are trying to cover up whatever happened. They will sweep you and your situation under the rug or twist it around and make everything your fault. They are the man. Protect and serve. More like protect their self-serving image. And don’t bother to call in the military. They are worthless. Sure they will swoop in and make a great first impression with their guns and technology, but just like in Jurassic Park, nature will always find a way. They will die, and so will you. Don’t trust any of them.
Weapons of mass murder are all around you – MacGuyver taught me a long time ago that you can make anything out of anything. The same holds true for murder weapons. If you have a drill with a 4 foot bit, or surfboard, or even a giant, over-sized novelty fishing lure. These things can all kill you. Granted some are quicker and cleaner, but the crazy guy casting the lure at you from his boat only knows one thing. You’re in treble. That’s a fishing joke… *sigh*
Chuck Norris will save you – If there is an unstoppable force literally ripping the hearts out of priest and cardinals, it’s only unstoppable because it hasn’t come up against Chuck Norris. One swift roundhouse kick to the face and BOOM the world is saved. So if you ever find yourself in a horror movie, pray that Chuck is there too, and hopefully on the side of good, not evil.
There are probably a few more things that I could lay out here, but these are the big ones. I have to say, it was a fun ride watching thirty one movies over the month of October, but it really took it out of me. Like I said in my Evil Ed review, by the end I felt like I was going crazy. Next year, now that I have accomplished my goal, I will do probably a weekly thing. I don’t think I have it in me to do another marathon like that. It’s a lot harder than it sounds to watch thirty one movies and review them in a timely manner.
I really hope that the few people that are reading this and that have read my reviews over the past month enjoyed it as much as I did. If you have recommendations for other horror movies, good or bad, let me know. I am still going to keep up with my “Bull Shit Movie Of The Week” article and need as much fodder for that as possible. If you care enough to leave a comment, let me know how, and if, you enjoyed the movies. Thanks again for following along.
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