I would never consider myself a “movie critic” but I can comfortably say that I have seen enough movies in my lifetime to know what’s good and what isn’t. I can every understand why people enjoy movies I think are absolute trash. These are more of the ladder than the former.
I have a collection (oddly enough) of about 200+ movie ticket stubs from the ones I have seen in the theater. I own about 1000 DVDs, and have recently started up my collection of BluRay and have about 30 of those. It’s safe to say, I think, that I have seen A LOT of movies. Possibly more movies than the average person. You could call me a Videophile if you like, I guess. So when I decided to lay out a list of the “Worst Movies” that I can remember seeing, it was a daunting and mentally taxing course of action.
Taking into account that I never subjected myself to horrible movies on purpose before I worked at BlockBuster, or the invention of the internet, the list starts at about my late teens. Once I was getting free rentals, and videos from friends — not to mention Netflix, and Video on demand services from just about every cable provider– I found myself watching a shit ton of movies.
That being said, I have now subjected myself to all manners of bad movies. This is NOT a complete list. To make that list would just about require all my time and concentration. Also, I would have to recall movies that are probably better left as blank spots in my mind. So allow me to give you the five worst movies that I can recall, and what made them all so… so bad.
L.E.T.H.A.L. Ladies – Return To Savage Beach: So there was a period when Brian, Bill and myself watched really bad movies on purpose. Most of them were movies by Russ Meyer, or someone equally into large breasted women acting, like Andy Sidaris. Which brings us to this movie. Return to Savage beach was the sequel to, shocking, Savage Beach. It’s about a bunch of large chested women that … um… I don’t remember. What I do remember is the reason that I cut it off never finishing it. Two scenes, in particular, come to mind. First, there was a scene where one of the women literally knocks a guy down by hitting him in the face with her boob. Second and probably worse, there was a scene where they were in an airplane. I turned to Bill and Brian and said, “if someone says ‘Hey I can see my house from here.’ I am turning this shitty movie off.” No sooner had the words fallen out of my mouth, lead meathead says it… click.
Pootie Tang: There have been several movies that I have rented strictly based on who is part of the cast. Pootie Tang is one of those movies. Based, apparently, on a character created by Chris Rock (ok that’s good) and also has Dave Attell (oooo also nice) in it, as well as Wanda Sykes (meh) and a cameo from David Cross (awesome). Based on this casting, I figured it was a shoo-in for at the very least a fun bad movie. Wrong. I think a friend and I made it through about 30mins of the movie before turning it off. It made no sense, the main character was stupid, and ALSO made no sense. I have never cared how that movie ended, and care even less about any other facet of the film.
Titanic: Yes THAT Titanic. I could have gone my entire life without ever having laid eyes on that film in motion, seriously. However, as Bill once said, you have to give some to get some. (Which is why he saw “How to make an American Quilt”. You thought I forgot didn’t you Bill.) Anyway, a girl I was dating at the time wanted to watch it. So I checked it out from Blockbuster and after a nice dinner, we watched it. It seemed to go on FOREVER and swapping the tapes at the halfway point only made matters worse because I knew I was only halfway done. Movie (mercifully) ends. Date over, and I never saw her again. Probably just another reason why that movie made the list was the personal issues I had with all that surrounded the experience.
The Breakup: I love movies… comedies especially. Romance movies, or “Romantic Comedies” are a different story. Nine times out of ten the “Comedy” part of the equation is usually lacking, if there at all. The Breakup is hard to really put into words. It stars Vince Vaughan and Jennifer Aniston and is a movie about a couple breaking up. Not particularly funny, but with good writing and acting you could probably see how it could have been funny. However, this movie is devoid of anything close to a joke. The writer of this screenplay must have gone through a very VERY bad breakup and wanted to take his/her aggression out on the big screen. A friend asked me what it was like, and the best way to describe it was like this: Think of your best friend and his wife. You’ve been friends with both for years. Then put them through a really hellish breakup, videotape every moment of it. Then sell tickets and watch it at your local cineplex, and just for good measure, crop out the girl’s nice breasts and only show her ass out of focus and in the background. Sound fun? No? Good, because it wasn’t. Even my wife, who is normally a sucker for “Rom-Coms” thought it was a horrible movie. If your wife/girlfriend EVER wants you to watch this movie, say no, and you should probably reevaluate your relationship. Cause if they think this movie is funny, God knows what you are in for.
MST3Ks Library: I know it may sound like a cop out, but hear me out. I have seen just about every single episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000, that includes the KTMA episodes from way back in the day (God bless the internet). Having seen just about all of them, I can safely say that they are all horrible films on their own. Twenty of the top one hundred “Worst movies of all time” according to IMDB are films that Joel/Mike and the bots ripped into. I think that speaks volumes on how atrocious they are. I would have NEVER been able to make it through a single one of those movies were it not for the constant stream of puns, zingers, and inside jokes that followed just about every horribly read line of dialogue. Of the roughly 200 episodes several stand out as by far the worst. Those being Manos: The Hands of Fate, Space Mutiny, and MST3Ks swan song: Diabolik. Man… those were some stinkers, for many different reasons for each separate episode. I guess though in MST3Ks case, watching these movies is just fine. Only if you are watching their take on the movie, NOT the original.
I know there are worse movies out there, and I know that this list doesn’t do them justice. However, like I said, this is just a snippet of the worst movies that I, myself have ever seen.
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